True confessions of a depressed narcissist

I’m not one for self diagnosis or romanticising mental illnesses which is why I am very scarce to throw the word bipolar (express) around. However it is a thing of both beauty and sorrow to look into the mirror and feel conflicting sense of emotions on any given time period. George Orwell describes the acceptance of two conflicting ideals of beliefs as being “doublethink”. I find myself subscribing to this ideal of thought. Lighting good? “Wow who is that pretty boy in the mirror?” ¬†Lighting isn’t good? “Wow you ugly piece of shit no wonder you can’t get laid”. I’m sure I’m not the only who suffers from inconsistent levels of self confidence as I find it spilling over into my other mundane daily tasks. But I am finding that my aspiration is beginning to swing in roundabouts also I can go from “I’m going to achieve all my dreams and be a financially independent super stud!” To “I’m a mediocre loser who will achieve nothing and will go bald come age 25”. Two conflicting set of ordeals constantly in battle with each other. I feel as though their is an egotistical war happening within me eternally. Which voice do I subscribe to? It seems easy when stepping back from the situation, the first one naturally. The problem is that within the moment (how romantic) whichever internal voice is dominant overpowers me to the extent where I wholeheartedly believe my own self criticism or blind ego, doublethink. Is there a middle man? I ask myself this constantly if I am the customer and each voice is a prostitute where is the pimp? And how do I pay him for his services? I have found a way to ease the voices and it isn’t alcohol (except for on the weekend… or at nights) no it’s two glorious words which are the answer to my and hopefully your problems… Johnny Depp. Hear me out before you leave in disgust “I thought this kid was onto something turns out he was just trying to sell celebrity”. Fair call I agree fuck celebrity, you shouldn’t chase or worship celebrity. You should however take into account the bullshit quotes that they do say because they are trying to sell you on themselves in order to breed consumers. Johnny Depp said I shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions so I take this into account except I apply it to myself. Whenever I have an internal conflict struggle or am hearing a voice I don’t like I just think fuck this loser’s (my own) opinion. It’s a daunting feeling walking around being mocked from external sources (thanks Dad) and your own internal voices. Drowning out or disregarding the content of said voices is a valid option (I apply the same process to paragraphs who the hell needs em?) You only have to listen to one voice and you should only ever feel stocked about your own reflection or photograph (I find a good filter helps too) but the battle is ongoing.

More to come…


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