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Does age affect tolerance? Is there only so much a person can take before they lose their optimism and sense of trust? Are there others who feel as I do or am I alone? I feel the conscious weight of someone much older than I am. For a while now I have started to believe that I’m going through a midlife crisis many years away from middle age. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Is this God’s way of notifying me that I am going to die by age 40? Shit I better start living it up now. But there in itself lies the problem how can I live it up when the company of others terrifies me and makes me anxious and yet loneliness haunts me every night and day. I feel as though I have a sick brain, I can’t figure out what I want. I feel unfulfilled in every area of life, I want to improve I want to live life with a sense of joy but I have no idea how to achieve such a mundane task. Old sources of joy fail to fulfill me in the way that they once did is this growing up? Or is this something worse? It’s a strange feeling watching my happiness being sucked out of me for no particular reason. As people around me begin to aggravate me each and every day, “No I will not listen to your podcast asshole”. I think I need to reach a state of Nirvana (I hear it smells like teen spirit). Alcohol would be one way to do this sure. Alcohol however is only a temporary solution sadly you can’t be drunk forever. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something, something isn’t right with my life and it’s dragging me down, down, down. How do I go up, up, up? This is an answer I am still trying to figure out. Focus on the little things? Maybe except little things tend to piss me off photoalbums for example imagine what photoalbums in 20 years time will be like “this is my selfie in Paris oh and this is the selfie that I took in New York City, if you squint your eyes you can see the empire state building behind me”. NO THANKS I think enlightenment and long term goals are a more reliable and suitable way in ¬†which I can achieve Nirvana.

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